No More

Fear has ruled my life for so many years. Every thought, every action was based on survival and avoidance.

I had to plan and think about how to keep the peace because to disagree or disappoint would raise the raging beast that ruled our house.

I spent countless hours huddled on the floor in the corner of my bathroom. Alone in the dark, shedding the tears I was not allowed to shed in the open.

Silent prayers poured from my heart as I swallowed my screams.

Each day I endured cruel words, dismissive attitudes, and physical threats. My opinion meant nothing. My only purpose was to serve and be silent. How desperately my heart longed for someone to see the truth!

Yet in the same thought, I was desperate to hide the shameful truth of my abuse. I had been brainwashed to believe it was my fault. If only I had tried harder, if only I were better. He wouldn’t treat me that way. But I was just too stupid to be compared to him, and I did not deserve any better.

Day after day, year after year, I simply survived. Yet, deep within, a desperate need for the truth to be revealed began to take root. I was quiet and withdrawn, hiding my pain as best I could.

There were a few who saw hints of what I was not strong enough to hide. I saw the concern in their eyes, but when they reached out a hand to help, I sensed their hesitance. In my damaged state, I registered this as disbelief or unwillingness to truly help, and I was too afraid.

How many times did I dream of freedom? But the thought of what that freedom could cost, the uncertainty that anyone would believe me, I did not have the courage or the strength to do it alone.

So I endured, each day, another piece of my soul was torn from me. Another bit of my personality worn away into gray blandness. I saw myself slowly disappearing. I had no likes of my own. I was only allowed to like what he liked, eat what he ate, and wear the clothes he approved. My only purpose was to keep the house running and satisfy the desires of the man I had married.

I thought of the years left to live with misery and despair. Death would bring an end to my pain, but I could not leave my children.

As my baby girl began to grow, I saw the same pain on her face. I saw the abuse I had learned to bear begin to weigh down her young shoulders. And my heart broke again as the horror of the future she would face became terrifyingly clear to me.

A strength I had never known began to bloom in me. But there was still so much fear that the tiny bloom was near decay. But hope was renewed. Those few true friends saw the change in me, and they knew I was at last ready; the time had finally come when I would accept their help.

They rushed to surround me, to support and protect me, lending me their strength, their hope, and their belief to hold me up when I felt I would crumble under the weight of what I must do.

A phone call to my sister and a conversation with a friend became the turning points. The outrage in her voice strengthened my conviction that I was right to leave. What I was enduring was neither normal nor right. I had been conditioned to believe I deserved to be treated that way, and her reaction shattered that lie.

My friend's pointed questions, coupled with their unquestioning belief, gave me the courage to take the first steps toward freedom.

When I finally told the truth, each offered me a place to stay, transportation, and financial help. For the first time in a very long time, I wasn’t alone.

And with their support and belief that God stood with me, I finally spoke the words I had waited 18 hellish years to say:

“No more.”  

I walked out the door, renewed and alive. My heart beat strong and true, though the unknown still terrified me. But I knew I was not alone, and that fear no longer controlled me.

As I stepped out of that doorway, I felt a lifetime of pain and fear fall from my shoulders. Tears filled my eyes as I walked away, each step growing stronger.

As I got in my car, I simply sat for a moment. The world had not changed. The sun was shining, and the birds were chirping. Everything continued on as normal.

But for me, in that moment, everything had changed.

As I began to drive away, a smile crept onto my face. My entire life had shifted, and for the first time in many years, I felt truly alive.

Every day is still a battle, every decision still difficult. The battle is not over, and he still looks for ways to hurt and control me. But no matter what I face, I know I will overcome. I have the love and support of true friends who will never turn their backs on me. I stand strong in the truth of God’s word and hold it as the shield against that man’s lies.

For 18 years, I have lived in pain and fear; my only hope was survival. But now, I know that survival is only the beginning, and love and joy are waiting for me.

I will rescue my children from the evil manipulations and lies that once trapped me.

Our story will not end in sorrow.